Healing

Thursday, I stayed home with Ryan and Austin. We went out to breakfast then went to the pet store and park and did our grocery shopping for Thanksgiving. Friday I went to work and was surrounded by support from all the staff. My table is decorated with beautiful flowers, my inbox full of thoughtful messages, and my phone ringing regularily. All of this has been a huge strength to me, however, I have found myself saying and thinking things to help sugar coat the situation like"It would have been hard to spend my whole summer break caring for a newborn." or "Now we can go on another vacation". Then there's the fact that even though my body still recognizes the pregnancy and my stomach was already starting to grow, I cannot bear to put on my maternity pants, so I'm squeezing into my regular jeans and wearing them all day despite the discomfort. Then there's the guilt I feel because my attitude for this pregnancy was relief that it finally happened so I could have a second child and be done.

On both Thursday and Friday, I felt at peace and held it together. Today I kept myself busy all day and then went out to eat with my mother and father in law. I was fine until they mentioned my sister in law who is about to have her fourth child any day. It has been lurking in my mind that this might be awkward for me. I've already let her know I would not be able to go to her shower (which she completely understood) but once this baby is born, I don't know how it is going to affect me. I remember talking with someone who had a miscarraige with her first pregnancy and her family just assumed she was going to be uncomfortable around another relative's baby. Their assumptions made it worse than it had to be. At the time, I remember thinking I was so glad it wasn't me. Well now it is and it's horrible and as hard as it may be to be around someone else's baby I would never, ever wish this on anyone else.

I know that there is a reason why these things happen and we may never fully understand why. But it doesn't change the fact that it sucks. My surgery is Tuesday and I'm scared. I've been told it's not that bad but it doesn't change the fact of what it is. I'm not mad at God but I really thought that between my car accidents and stressful job that this was one struggle I would not have to deal with. However, in talking with people it seems that these things happen more often than not. I don't want to feel sorry for myself and I want to move forward with my life. I know that I have things in my life that I need to work on and I do have a testimony of my Savior. I know I need to put my trust in Him and only then can I start to truly heal. I have so much to be grateful for and I have faith that when the time is right, we can have another baby.

But for now I just need to cry.